life: acoustic & amplified
poetry, quotes & thoughts about life
Archive for the category “Today”
Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened. –Reverend Billy Graham
the cost of freedom is never cheap. so very grateful for courageous women and men who are willing to serve our country – even as we grieve and pray.
To be free is nothing, to become free is everything. – Unknown
pray for peace
A Sight in Camp in the Daybreak Gray and Dim
by Walt Whitman
A sight in camp in the daybreak gray and dim,
As from my tent I emerge so early sleepless,
As slow I walk in the cool fresh air the path near by the hospital tent,
Three forms I see on stretchers lying, brought out there untended lying,
Over each the blanket spread, ample brownish woolen blanket,
Gray and heavy blanket, folding, covering all.
Curious I halt and silent stand,
Then with light fingers I from the face of the nearest the first
just lift the blanket;
Who are you elderly man so gaunt and grim, with well-gray’d hair,
and flesh all sunken about the eyes?
Who are you my dear comrade?
Then to the second I step—and who are you my child and darling?
Who are you sweet boy with cheeks yet blooming?
Then to the third—a face nor child nor old, very calm, as of
beautiful yellow-white ivory;
Young man I think I know you—I think this face is the face
of the Christ himself,
Dead and divine and brother of all, and here again he lies.
Heavy
by Mary Oliver
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer
without dying
I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had His hand in this,
as well as friends,
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poets said,
was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel
(brave even among lions),
“It’s not the weight you carry
but how you carry it—
books, bricks, grief—
it’s all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it
when you cannot, and would not,
put it down.”
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?
Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?
How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe
also troubled—
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?
A Prayer for the War Dead
For those killed in battle, Lord, mercy.
For those wounded, maimed or haunted,
minds and hearts broken by mayhem
and the doing of mayhem— mercy.
For those whose spirits died to pull the trigger,
whose souls withered to do what they had to,
their hearts and faces held in the horror— mercy.
For those, now broken, for whom there are flags
but not food, shelter, health or sanity—mercy.
For those of other nations, who also served,
who also were taught to make enemies
of those who had been taught to make them enemies,
who suffered our terror—mercy.
For those who suffer without choosing:
the innocent, the families, the land, the cities— mercy.
For those who suffer for peace nonviolently,
who sacrifice and die protesting, healing, teaching,
for all of gentle hearts—mercy.
For us who call others to kill for us,
who continually offer our little ones in child sacrifice,
who find no better way, and who glorify
the killing and the dying rather than repent—mercy.
Lord of Gentleness, we confess our violence;
we confess our fear and self-centeredness;
we repent of our cold-heartedness and beg you:
forgive us, heal us, and bless those whom we have harmed;
in the name of Christ, who died loving,
who received and did not pass on our evil. Amen.
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
aware
Please bring strange things.
Please come bringing new things.
Let very old things come into your hands.
Let what you do not know come into your eyes.
Let desert sand harden your feet.
Let the arch of your feet be the mountains.
Let the paths of your fingertips be your maps
and the ways you go be the lines on your palms.
Let there be deep snow in your inbreathing
and your outbreath be the shining of ice.
May your mouth contain the shapes of strange words.
May you smell food cooking you have not eaten.
May the spring of a foreign river be your navel.
May your soul be at home where there are no houses.
Walk carefully, well-loved one,
walk mindfully, well-loved one,
walk fearlessly, well-loved one.
Return with us, return to us,
be always coming home.
“Initiation Song from the Finders Lodge” by Ursula Le Guin, from Always Coming Home. © University of California Press, 1985.
expect it…
You would gladly travel great distances in rain,
arriving at dark in foreign places.
You would eagerly await the news, every call
a promise, in invitation.
You would hold your loved ones, feeling them
in your hands even from far away.
You would have a story to tell of gratitude and grace.
You would already be thinking of a new name for yourself
if you knew God’s love were being poured into your life
like a newborn on the way, a grandchild
you have not yet seen.
__________________________
Weather Report
Birth,
arriving at all hours,
requiring you to do the same;
with periods of intermittent labor and hope,
precipitating in showers of joy and wonder.
There will be shifting patterns,
and a one hundred percent chance
that Things Will Be Different.
______________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
The affection that created us waits to bless and heal us. – John O’Donohue
Our situation today shows that beauty demands for itself at least as much courage as do truth and goodness, and she will not allow herself to be separated and banned from her two sisters without taking them along with herself in an act of mysterious vengeance. – Hans Urs von Balthasar
A reverence of approach awakens depth and enables us to be truly present where we are. When we approach with reverence great things decide to approach us. Our real life comes to the surface and its light awakens the concealed beauty in things. When we walk on the earth with reverence, beauty will decide to trust us. Beauty is mysterious, a slow presence who waits for the ready, expectant heart. – John O’Donohue
the closest thing I’ll ever write to a manifesto…
What is truth? It is a very slippery slope to begin to define and stand by something as truth. Dogma. Absolutes. Black and white answers which sound rather good, but have big holes in them. I have long avoided that thing many people have called ‘truth’ . I have said for years, “the only thing I am dogmatic about, is not being dogmatic”. This has given me much freedom and the ability to never quite stand for anything…to stay hidden. I have lived my beliefs rather than share them verbally. I believe in that and am glad I have lived it, rather than spout something which I have not lived. Yet, this has gotten me into some trouble over the years as well, and into more than one or two unequal relationships, which have caused me, and the other person, much pain. Yes, I have experienced a lot of pain in my lifetime. A lot of loss, poverty and lot of grief, and much of that has centered around the truth growing within me, which I chose not to share, as I was not certain of it at that point. Yet, it could not be completely hidden and was growing and changing me in every way. It kept coming to be in ways which made me respond to the other in a way which was opposite of them. I want to say here, I am not saying their life is right or wrong, just saying what has taken place internally in me, has been different than what has happened within them and has lead me here, to this place of my truth which can no longer be denied or left unspoken.
One reason for this was rather a good one, I thought: I grew up in Christian fundamentalism (if you ever saw the move Footloose, I am not just six degrees from Kevin Bacon, I AM Kevin Bacon). I was taught that there was one way, one church and our family had it. We were the only ones. Everyone else in the world was wrong. It was very black and white, yet it was also very full of judgment, subjective and a moving target of truth. It seemed that whatever one wanted to do was ok, the truth and ‘convictions’ were about things the person may or may not like in the first place. I grew up with people who were great at arguing, and I noticed, on more than one occasion, that the people really liked to argue more than they liked the ‘truth’. In fact – many of them could argue very convincingly for both sides of an argument and win the argument on either side. That always troubled me. So what then is truth? and what is good and what is evil? Is good just something that I, personally, like and want? Is evil anything that I choose to not want. I do not want to bash my parents. They were, and are, very good parents doing what they believe is right and I respect and love them very much. I am so glad that I had a safe and protected childhood. I have come to some different philosophical conclusions than them in my life and faith, not to belittle theirs, but I must speak from what I have experienced, and my own personal experience has been all about the way of Christ and the examinations of our motives, how our heart is revealed by our tongues, and what really matters as we seek for truth – to be right, or to be open to a God who is un-understandable and I cannot possibly understand or dictate to? I choose the later.
The seeds of this thinking were born early, and yet, I had no one to talk to about these things and was really more interested in being beautiful, fashionable, popular and famous than in anything else. I can describe my teen years in just a few words…I wanted…
Yes, I wanted everything the world had to offer and I was convinced I could have it. I remember praying, Lord, “I don’t want to marry a preacher, because I don’t want to be poor” – yup. I want… I remember sitting in a sermon hearing about the ‘mark of the Beast’. A story about living in a period of time when, if you didn’t accept this mark, you would be killed and could not buy or sell goods in the world. Now I see that passage is really about standing up for your beliefs, or remaining hidden. I remember thinking, “well I would still be a believer, but I would take that mark, God would know my heart, but why would I suffer or be killed? How would that help the world?” Yup, I had no intention of suffering or being poor. I wanted the right shoes for every occasion and I was bound and determined to have them – no matter what. My spiritual life was there, I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was around 7, I was one of just a few kids in my small Christian High School who didn’t try marijuana when it was offered. I am very grateful I have never been tempted by drugs. I have never wanted to feel ‘high’. I was more interested in fashion and beauty. I took the verse, “I determine not to know anything among you save Christ and Him crucified” I Cor. 2:2. It was a good verse, and it helped me, but on the other side of that was my insecurity (I never received one compliment growing up – ever) and my desire for someone to find me beautiful. I want…has been the recurring theme in my brokenness and in my healing.
And so I married, I say fortunately NOW…but I married someone abusive. Verbally, mentally and sexually. For the first five years I was in a vortex of pain and overwhelm. I tried to ‘figure it out’. I tried…I lied…I cheated with the mall…I got through by spending money. When the pain got bad I went shopping. In 1990, through a series of events I left and returned to my parent’s house for 3 months. During that time I really reached the bottom of despair and at that place of complete raw disillusionment, I lay in a bed and I cried out to God in a real smack down. I didn’t need God, I need to be happy and if He was not real then I was ok with letting go of that fairy tale. I gave God the first shot and opened my Bible and it feel open to the words of Jesus in red, Matthew chapters 5-7, commonly referred to as the Sermon on the Mount. As I read, a giant click happened in my soul and I determined I would live these words as an experiment and see what happened. I would walk away from them any time I felt they weren’t working for me. (Haha)
I am here and whole, because, in 1997, in the middle of the worst thing that could ever happen to me – losing custody of my children (Ages 10, 9 and 5), losing my family and every person I ever loved, losing my beautiful home and the luxury I was surrounded with at that time, losing my reputation and even the very fundamentals of what I thought I knew about myself, yes, losing who I thought I was. At the bottom of that big overwhelming ocean of loss I clung to the only thing that could allow me to keep going. I believed that God had a purpose in it all. I believed, if anything God said was true, then I had to believe it all was true. Everything I was went into the basket. And so, in the middle of devastation, loss, poverty, pain, grief so big I could not touch it, but locked it away under guard for 9 years (still in the process of healing), I began to look for the signs that God was good. I began to seek goodness as Joseph Campbell says, ‘a man with his hair on fire’. I needed something good to get me through the day, and I always found it! Usually I found more than one thing! There was goodness every were and, so as I began to say thank you each day for those gifts of goodness, I began to get to know God in new ways. I began to see life and loss from a new perspective. I began to see the motivations behind people’s words and actions. I began to see my own actions in the light of this amazing love of God, so different than I had been lead to believe.
In 2007, at a very critical time in my life, when I was not sure I would make it out of an abusive and obsessive relationship alive, I wrote my life story (up to then) and I have to say it was like writing a cancer out of myself. It was not pretty. It still isn’t pretty. As I write this, I have finally made it to a place I can call ‘home’ – it’s not glamorous. It’s a speck of a place, but 350 square feet of pure joy for me. It is a huge moment in my life journey, yet I have nothing to brag about. I recently lost my job because I stood up to a boss who was a bully and a Pharisee of a man who owned the business, and so I have no clue if I will be able to continue in this wonderful spot I can finally call ‘home’. My faith is strong and I feel that God has lead me here and will make the way, but I also know God’s ‘way’ is rarely what I would personally choose to do if I was walking my own way, and so I pray and seek for trust without borders. Ruthless Trust, as my fellow ragamuffin, Brennan Manning called it.
Over the years I have shared my written story with several people. One man, who is a successful writer, told me that he really enjoyed (questionable word for so much written pain) my story, he gave me the name of his editor and encouraged me to bring it up to date and share it. Then he said, “I wish it didn’t have so much God in it, but if that is your truth, then you must keep it in.” I laughed, because, YES, my story and my truth is ALL about God. Every moment is about reconciliation, a path of grace, a pilgrimage of redemption. I have nothing else, I am nothing else. The changes and the transformation inside of me, which have remained somewhat hidden until now, are nothing short of miraculous and have nothing to do with me as some sort of personal over comer of life’s unfairness, and all about the love and goodness of a God who loves me just as I am and is ready to give me as much of the mystery as I am able to open my life and heart too – not because I’m great or special, just because I am willing and have come to understand, just a tiny bit, of how loved I am. There is no other reason for me to be here. There is no other reason I am alive at this time and place. Nothing else matters and I have found this love alone is worth the fight. Love alone is what changes me in every way: from what I want in my life, to who I am in relationship with, to what I watch and laugh at, to what lifestyle I live.
And so I reached this place called home the first of February 2014. I lost my job on February 13. I have sat and prayed for the past 2 weeks concerning the way forward, about this place of rooting, about what I am to do now. I have praised God for all the goodness I have experienced. I have prayed for my souls ‘true other’ and I have prayed about ministry. I have prayed about provision. I have given thanks and raised my stone of Ebenezer to God for bringing me safely thus far. I have sat in silence and rested. I have spent days praying for my friends and loved ones who have not understood my walk, and many whom I have had to leave regardless of how much I loved them. I have prayed and sought understanding on how to make the changes which I need to make, in order to build a long and lasting life here with roots and flowering.
Today, I have come to realize it is time to speak truth, to be revealed. To speak, write, sing and in every way in my life, actions, words and relationships I must reveal my truth and no longer walk the way of hidden faith. These things I have experienced are real to me, I reveal them, not to challenge someone else, but to release me into the glorious freedom I have come to on the inside, which I want to allow to manifest and be known on the outside. Christ is my all in all, my husband, my lover, my best friend. I have found love, beauty, joy and intimacy in this walk of suffering with Christ. I die daily and pray to be less so that God can be more. I have found the truth which has transformed my very being, my desires, my insecurity, my voice. I am no longer the same, in any way, as the girl who decided to try to walk the words of Jesus in Matthew 5-7, as an experiment, in 1990. In October 2011 that experiment came to an end and I realized that the miracles I have seen, the great God I have experienced cannot be denied. I was all in. On January 10, 2012, I married Christ in a very special experience and was renamed Beloved Song of Christ. My nickname from Jesus is Beppe – which means Favorite. Yes, I know I am beloved. I know I am beautiful in Christ’s eyes. I know what love is and how love acts. I have experienced it in every way. I became aware of the true meaning and obligation of the word ‘commitment’. I realized that 99.9999999% commitment is no commitment at all. Only 100% commitment is a true commitment. WOW! That realization changed everything for me. I want people who understand this truth in my life.
In July 2012, I stepped out of an unequal relationship into the holy wild of the unknowing. Nothing was certain, except that God had a plan. I did not know anything. I no longer had any plans. My goal was simple, to make it home to a place I could belong, where I could put down roots and build a good life, and to come into my own place of service and to find the place where God would have me to begin whatever I am supposed to do with this one very wild and precious life I have been given as gift to pour out as a gift of love in return.
I’m still not sure of what that is or what that looks like. The glimpses I get are of music and working in relationship with my ‘souls true other’ (no I haven’t met him yet) who understands this in the same way I do. A life of joy and sharing a life of love and speaking into the world on relationships and the importance of speaking truth in them. A relearning of why we build them on truth and the principles of God. What that looks like in this world today. How do we build relationships on truth when the world is selling us the opposite? Why that is so relevant in our current place in time? Why are our thoughts so important? Why is it important not to flirt? Why do we suffer? Why do we choose to be less when we are so loved?
Yes, that is what my heart desires more than anything. My true other, who has this same desire and thinks about these important things and wants to explore them and speak them into the world as I do. Who wants to share and make room in life for each other’s gifts, ideas and desires. One who wants to grow and share and become more of what God wants for each of us to be. Who wants to commit, all in, to Christ first, and to me as to Christ. My true other who understands that true beauty is on the inside and we only become beautiful as we live in obedience. As we begin to understand the truth of being loved in this way and allowing our human selves to be moved out of the way, so true beauty, love, glory, holiness can flow through us. This is my truth, this is why I have been born, this is why I have learned what I have learned and why I have suffered as I have suffered. Not so I can brag about what I’ve done, I would not have made it one day in poverty without Jesus showing me that true riches come from integrity and giving me the strength to hold on and see life from a different perspective. True beauty comes from loving our enemies and it is only when we do something different than them, do we get a different result than them. If we refuse to hit someone back, but offer them the other cheek this does not show weakness, this shows we are not them, we are stronger than them. This narrow gate leads to life. True and glorious life full of the bountiful fruits of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, gratitude, faith.
What we seek, we find. When we ask, we are given, when we knock, the door of life opens and we receive so much more than we ever expected. These paths lead us (at least they have me) into very unexpected areas. In time we find ourselves coming to a place where all the hidden things we have experienced become us and we find we must stand up and surrender to the glorious consumption of of love and share this light. We must speak and live and do what we have become. It is all we can do.
This, then, is my truth, The way, life, words, death, burial, resurrection and continued interceding of Christ Jesus, my savior, has changed everything about me. He has given me life. He has redeemed my life from sure destruction. He has given me riches such as cannot be overshadowed, even by the Queen’s jewels. He has given me strength, courage, truth, hope, healing, love, security, esteem, peace, joy, stamina, words, a voice…the list goes on and on and ends with, all good things.
I no longer keep that just within me, I no longer keep it hidden in my heart. I gladly and bravely share that with everyone who will listen – this truth is the only thing that matters. At least for me, this way of Christ is the way to be truly happy, whole and live a good life. It is my truth. I do not have to be anything, I do not have to do anything. I am loved because I am loved. It is enough for me to be me. It is enough for me to just sit back and recognize my place in this very moment in time. This freedom doesn’t make me want to be less than – no, this freedom calls me to my highest and best potential. This is not an excuse for me to embrace my darkness, no, the love of God is the freedom to overcome my destructive nature, to move into pure joy and light. It is not about petty things that I do, or do not do. It is for freedom that Christ has made us free, and that is a bright and shining city on a hill full of gold and silver.
This is my truth. It cannot be shaken from me. It cannot be denied. It cannot be manipulated. It cannot be hidden. It is my truth. I have experienced it. I am so grateful and I am so in love that I want to share it any way I am called to share it. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: and being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him. And given him a name which is above every name: that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:5-11
Oh, how He loves me.
It’s all I have. It’s all I want. It’s more than I could ever have imagined.
I am Yours and You are mine.
To Him be glory forever and ever.
Yes,
and
Amen
starting over
Every day is a fresh beginning,
Listen my soul to the glad refrain.
And, in spite of all sorrows
And older sinning,
Troubles forecasted
And possible pain,
Take heart with the day and begin again.
– Susan Coolidge
Im having a do-over day.
It’s a little shorter than most days,
but that’s ok.
In the first half of my do-over day,
(which is in bad need of redemption).
Somewhere between my alarm going off
and me reaching for my phone to check my email,
this day twisted
and went sour.
Not just a little sour,
rancid sour,
like clumpy milk and spoiled eggs mixed together.
I spent much of my day trying,
desperately,
to get my balance,
regain my equilibrium,
stem the tidal waves of fear and disappointment.
Sooooo…
at approximately 4:45 PM EST,
I decided to start it over.
I said a cheery ‘hello there’
to my new day and then
I got in the shower and rewashed myself
and my hair.
I got out and made myself a first cup of coffee for my new morning
and I drank it wrapped in my bathrobe.
Dried my hair
Reapplied my makeup
(which had not survived my many bouts of crying in the bad, rotten day before)
and dressed myself to go about my new day.
In this day there will be music and laughter.
There will be fresh friendship and good food.
In this day I will give thanks and I will keep calm and carry on.
I am grateful for this new day.
New mercies.
New grace.
New strength.
New thoughts.
New choices.
Tally-ho, old chap,
Top O’ the morning to you,
lovely second sunrise today,
don’t you think?
AL 2/21/2014
New Year. turn the page.
Why not grow roses in your soul?
Don’t try to invent them,
it’s been done.
Don’t labor over making them,
it will happen.
Ask what the Beloved is doing in you,
ask again and again,
slowly,
until you see.
Ask what you can do to help,
to clear the space,
to hold the light,
and that will be your path.
And promise that no matter
how disappointingly plain
or outrageously beautiful the results,
you will husband the fruits
of God’s work in you.
Even if you spend the whole year
simply wondering
it will be a splendid year.
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
the missionaries prayer
God of love,
I Pray for the peace of Christ:
in the face of fear, to trust,
in the face of violence, to be gentle,
in the face of sorrow to be healing,
in all things to offer blessing.
Christ, grant me your peace:
with those who are rejected to stand in unity,
for those who are afraid to offer my hand,
beside the outcast to sojourn in longing,
to those who are cursed to offer blessing.
Spirit of compassion,
be the grace and strength in me
to risk for the sake of justice,
to suffer for the sake of healing,
to give of myself for the sake of love,
to offer blessing, to offer blessing.
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
joy is the way to live bravest of all
Thanks therapy is God’s prescription for joy.
This isn’t trite — this is treatment. Breathing oxygen to live, it can seem ridiculously simple too. Jesus always leaves the option open for you to choose: “Do you want to be well?”
Sometimes we hurt so bad, we can’t even think to say yes, we forget how to mouth thanks.
And in all the leaves, all in the mess, it’s right here:
Everything that falls, turned back to thanks, unlikely therapy turning a fallen world.
– Ann Voskamp
www.aholyexperience.com
life: acoustic & amplified 