You will come at a turning of the trail
to a wall of flame
After the hard climb & the exhausted dreaming
you will come to a place where he
with whom you have walked this far
will stop will stand
beside you on the treacherous steep path
& stare as you shiver at the moving wall, the flame
that blocks your vision of what comes after.
And that one
who you thought would accompany you always,
who held your face
tenderly a little while in his hands—
who pressed the palms of his hands into drenched grass
& washed from your cheeks, the tear-tracks—
he is telling you now
that all that stands between you
& everything you have known since the beginning
is this: this wall. Between yourself
& the beloved, between yourself & your joy,
the riverbank swaying with wildflowers, the shaft
of sunlight on the rock, the song.
Will you pass through it now, will you let it consume
whatever solidness this is
you call your life, & send
you out, a tremor of heat,
a radiance, a changed
flickering thing?
I have spent most of my adult life in bad relationships, and when I say bad, I mean it in the worst sense of that word. I’m not blaming anyone else. I ‘needed’ and chose those relationships to learn what I have learned about myself, I needed them to shine the spotlight on my dark places and I needed them to show me the differences between what love is and is not, and for my own personal healing, which has allowed me to leave harmful relationships and still fight through to stay open to love.
I believe in love! I want love! I want a life partner! I want tenderness! We are here to love.
I am a girl who loves deeply, loves passionately and has the ability to see potential in others, and have fallen in love with potential a few times.
All human relationships are tricky and there is always this balance of good and bad. The passion and the ugly underbelly of when passion twists and becomes something else, can easily happen.
I’m not calling myself an expert, I try not to judge, but to understand myself through what I have chosen. I have never allowed myself to be a victim. I make choices. I have free will. I am responsible for my own actions. I do not condone the bad actions of others, but I have to take responsibility for only mine.
Here are a few of my own:
I lived in a verbally, mentally and sexually abusive marriage for 12 years; I accepted a marriage proposal in which I was asked to be a consolation prize; I stayed way longer than I should have with a man with a drug addiction who stole all my money (I convinced myself I could help him-ha); I chose to stay for two years with a man who refused to even allow me to sit beside him on the sofa without his permission. I dated a man who was willing to commit what he believed was ‘sin’ with me and then say terrible words of condemnation and judgement of that sin afterward. Then choose to put us both back in that same situation again.
There were many good things about all these relationships as well. Things that made me want to stay, want to see them get better. That’s why it’s tricky. How do you give up? That’s not easy for me.
You have to examine what you’ll tolerate. What’s important. You have to be willing to lose things. Sometimes really big things, and without a guarantee of what you will receive in return. It’s a huge gamble to go for what you really want – and be willing to believe that a real equal relationship is possible. Takes a lot of faith and guts.
Yup, I have been in some real doozies. I am so grateful for paying attention and learning a few lessons.
One of the biggest has been the ‘Potential problem’ 😃 Every person I have ever loved, including myself, has vast amounts of untapped potential. I am hopeful that I have learned the lessons of entering into an intimate relationship with someone who has firmly chosen to leave that landscape under ice their whole life.
Just the other day a wonderful man said to me…’I could have…’ but guess what? He didn’t. I see that. It’s ok. He’s free to make choices. I am just so grateful I have learned and don’t allow myself to give him credit for what he could have done, but left undone.
There are so many things I could do, but what remains is what I do. It is what it is. Always.
I can love someone deeply, but that doesn’t mean I give up what I have learned. That would just be stupid of me.
Through all my adventures and lessons in this complex and wonderful thing we have simply named LOVE, my greatest blessing in taking responsibility for myself has been learning to love myself. I feel so fortunate to have found myself lovely, lovable and totally beloved and to know for sure, you can find that true for yourself – IF you choose to!!
I would love to find a life partner, someone to share myself and the rest of the journey with, but I am ok if that doesn’t happen. I would rather walk alone than be in an unequal relationship. I pray for the ability to keep that always in my vision!
I am so grateful for the words of Anne LaMott, ‘Grace meets us right where we are, but never leaves us there.’ and I have found EVERY little thing is grace, if we allow it.
ACL 1/9/15
Spirit of the Mighty, Gentle One,
come upon me, anoint me.
I see the oppressed.
I name them; I hold them close.
Make my life into good news for them.
I see the brokenhearted.
I name them; I hold them close.
Give me gentle grace to bind up their hearts.
I see the imprisoned.
I name them; I hold them close.
Give me true words and deeds to release them.
I see the ruined cities.
I name them; I hold them close.
Make me a part of their building up.
Spirit of God, be upon me.
I see my own ruins, my chains.
Hold me close
and set me free, that I may be
your good news for others.
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light http://www.unfoldinglight.net
No news story suddenly just begins as a headlines — every single one begins as a line of thought running through somebody’s heart.
And better stories begin around our dinner tables and our kitchen sinks. Cultural change doesn’t happen by us throwing stones but by us becoming rock solid in our commitment to personal change.
When a man doesn’t respect a woman, he disrespects what it means to be a man.
You say you have no spirit,
but truthfully ask yourself this—
Would you look into my eyes
and see something beyond color?
You look at my hands,
but do you see beyond their shape to what they create?
When you notice my feet,
would you see beyond perception to
see how I travel through my journey,
or the way I am following after you?
Don’t imitate an eye and only see the object;
Don’t be fooled by the word reality.
When I look into your eyes, I see your spirit.
When I notice your feet,
I see the journey you’re taking,
the compass you follow.
Would you put down your logical way of thinking for just
a moment to see the hidden spirit glowing in you,
the spirit I see living through the truthful, inspirational
things you do,
the spirit that keeps me walking after you?
“If the risk is fully aligned with your purpose and mission, then it’s worth considering.”
“If someone is always to blame, if every time something goes wrong someone has to be punished, people quickly stop taking risks. Without risks, there can’t be breakthroughs.”
“True disruption means threatening your existing product line and your past investments. Breakthrough products disrupt current lines of businesses.”
– Peter Diamandis
Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.
– Sam Levenson
Breakthroughs usually come to me
like a fist to the gut,
then comes the battle for denial,
the self-pleading not to allow it,
the desperate attempt
to keep things status quo.
I never want to rock the apple cart,
I never want to lose anything,
especially people I love,
and comfortable dwelling places.
But breakthroughs must break through.
Truth must win
to gain my peace again.
It is what it is…always
refuses to be avoided,
no matter how hard I try.
Once acknowledged
all is quiet in the kingdom,
and I can begin to make a new plan
forward,
ever forward.
I share with you the agony of your grief,
The anguish of your heart finds echo in my own.
I know I cannot enter all you feel
Nor bear with you the burden of your pain;
I can but offer what my love does give:
The strength of caring,
The warmth of one who seeks to understand
The silent storm-swept barrenness of so great a loss.
This I do in quiet ways,
That on your lonely path
You may not walk alone.
life: acoustic & amplified 