life: acoustic & amplified

a little fire will warm – too much fire will destroy

Poems come and go. Captured moments, feelings or pictures in time, but there are days which come and last forever. Yesterday was such a day. Yesterday I got very righteously angry. I don’t like to be angry, I try at all costs to avoid it. I do not like the feeling I get, I do not like this passionate, loud superhero-gone-vigilante that comes forth and melts the air and sets fire to the rain. I am a very passionate person, and I so I am very careful with my anger.

I have been caregiving for 2 very sick people for the past 6 months. One, a man who I had dated for 2 years and ended it 2 years ago. The other his mother, who has advanced Alzheimer’s and dementia. It has been the most difficult, invisible and thankless job I have ever done, and I learned so much about illness, about Alzheimer’s and dementia, about the long shadows of abuse, about being of service without trying to ‘fix’ others. Lots of learning to stand firm against the revolving emotions of Alzheimer’s fluctuating emotions and quirks. Lots of lessons on supporting a sick person without enabling them to become a victim, or victimizer. Lots of grimy lessons in patience and clean up of horrible human messes. Lots of eye opening lessons about incontinence, medical stuff I have no desire to know, and lots about loss of control and dignity. Lots of watching a man not fight for his life. Lots of watching this man do exactly opposite of the Doctors orders. Lots of watching victim mentality drain the strength, and very life, out of a man. Lots of prayer and meditation to keep death away and be a healing presence without becoming an enabler. Lots of care, and prayer and meals and laundry and pills and loneliness and…and …

In the past 6 months I have been through a very wide range of emotions…then yesterday…came the anger.

I was thinking last night and it was over 10 years ago since I was as angry as I was yesterday.

As I wake this morning, and think about yesterday, I realize that I have learned a lot over these past years, I have grown intimate with Christ, and the very walk and way of Christ, which has born much fruit, even in my anger. Jesus said to be “angry and sin not”. I did that yesterday! I was appropriate in my anger, I was in control of my anger and did not carry that anger forward to others, I worked through it and let it go. I then assisted the person who I was angry with to get help from the appropriate sources and I stayed responsible to finish this task of service I am currently called to as caregiver for his mother, until it is completed later this week.

I am not proud, I am astonished. haha This is not my doing. This is spiritual grace and, maybe even a little, maturity??? 🙂 I’m going to stay very humble on this. I know myself. I know that anger is a very toxic and hazardous weapon. I do not want to be an angry person and I will continue to go well beyond the extra mile to avoid it, but I am not quite so afraid of it today after my experience yesterday. I am actually happy that I allowed myself to experience and demonstrate my learning, and the self control, God has taught me on this path of discipline I have walked.

This morning I can see, with a brand new perspective,  that anger can, in certain instances, be a healthy tool which is needed at times. I am glad this moment of anger is behind me. I am thankful for these lessons. I am so thankful it worked to help someone, hopefully, begin a path to living life abundantly, and I truly hope it is WAY more than 10 years before I need to use that tool again.