At the cross
His pain that I cannot stand.
My hands nailed, helpless.
This absence that is a weight.
This grief so like death, so living.
This regret, unwelcome predator.
What I could have done, and why not.
My weight he bears, that lifts him up.
He came to find me in my ruin.
This is the part when I cannot know.
Only later: that I was not alone.
Love that holds even death in its arms.
_________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
I sit with the ghost of ashes
on my forehead
still raw and sore
feeling the sting and exhaustion
that comes from vulnerability
in the face of possible rejection.
I feel rejected, judged.
I feel unworthy,
even as I know I don’t need to be
I felt under dressed,
one of my hardest, most shame-filled, pettiest horrors in life.
Vanity is always my snake in the grass.
I feel judged as less than,
even though I do not know that for sure.
Yet, I feel it is true.
I feel broken,
crushed,
I sit in the ash heap of my life,
reflected in the broken story I have to tell.
my truth –
it’s so ugly
so jagged
how can it ever be redeemed?
how can I possibly be arrogant enough to think that God will use me,
even bless me?
Because He already has.
Because He sees me through Christ
Because the truth is, I am loved and he is making beauty right in these ashes
even this moment.
If I have ever believed that for sure –
then this is the time to truly believe it.
No matter the judgement of anyone.
No matter the temptation which these feelings bring.
yes, this is the temptation of satan –
to tempt me to feel unworthy and less than,
like I don’t belong,
like I can’t make new choices,
so that I turn away and give up.
So I do not risk this feeling
by just not telling my truth,
but just dress well and always ‘fit in’.
So that I just begin taking my life in my own hands and making something happen for myself,
as I am tempted to do each moment.
I want to heap the ashes on my head,
sit in them
and rip my already hole-y sweat pants even more.
I want to wail – instead of this civilized way of crying with tissues catching my overactive sinus production.
I want to run far away and lie on a beach.
I want someone to tell me I’m pretty,
I’m the victim,
Life’s unfair.
Yes, I am tasting ashes for lent.
Today, I am very aware of my inefficiencies.
I bow with humility.
I bow in gratitude.
I have nothing in myself.
Yet! (there is hope!!!)
The only thing that I truly need to know is that God’s mercy is new for me today!
My next choice is the only one that matters!
In Christ I stand!!!
Thank God
I already know!
Easter is coming!!
AL 3/6/14
Once again, it is what it is…
They said to him, “Teacher, where are you staying?”
He said to them, “Come and see.”
—John 1.38-39
They said, “Where do you abide?”
Where is your heart rooted?
Where does your spirit linger?
Where will you always be?
Where do you eternally remain?
Where does your loving presence dwell?
He said, “Come and see.”
Draw near. Don’t be distant. Come.
It will be among the poor, the silenced,
under the weight of the cross.
You’ll have to leave some things behind.
You won’t see the healing
unless you’re close to the wound.
Come.
Look.
Without judgment or analysis, simply attend.
Don’t theorize: notice.
The Lamb of God
who takes away the sin of the world
lives with us.
Keep the eyes of your soul open.
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
We climb mountains.
We get back up when we fall.
We keep fighting for our dreams.
We refuse to die, while there is breath within our bones.
We stare our suffering in the eye,
and walk straight through the dark forest with courage,
trusting our steps will not fall.
We will not fail.
We are warriors.
We are aware of the value of the soul.
We are strong yet soft.
We know ourselves.
Acknowledge our weaknesses,
seeking for truth.
Bow in humility when we make a mistake.
Easily say the words –
forgive me
and
I forgive you
Light glows within us.
We are the children.
We are the beloved.
We are the followers,
of this man Christ,
who comes to us right where we are,
but never leaves us there.
From glory to glory
we are learning to be holy.
As we walk the mountains
and valleys
listening for the call,
thirsty for grace,
abandoned to love,
eyes to the sky.
Lifting up the man
who gives us all good things –
peace unshakable,
Joy unending,
Patience to wait for a drop more of this un-understandable mystery,
Love unconditional and unlimited.
We become free to be who we were created to be.
We do nothing from guilt or manipulation.
Our love songs come from gratitude,
expressions of love pour out unfettered,
joy-full.
We speak with authority,
not to judge,
but from experience.
nothing can rip our faith from our hearts
we Know that we Know
because of the practical living of our faith,
because we wear trust like a garment,
because we have seen with our eyes,
heard with our ears,
touched with our own hands,
been moved,
sometimes in spite of ourselves,
in direct opposition to our own selfishness.
And so we climb,
ever upward and outward,
towards the stars
toward the heavens.
They say God saves his best work
for the inside of things.
May it be so, Lord.
May it be so.
AL 10/17/13
The apostle Paul writes to the Romans: “Bless your persecutors; never curse them, bless them. … Never pay back evil with evil. … Never try to get revenge. … If your enemy is hungry, give him something to eat; if thirsty, something to drink. … Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good” (Romans 12:14-21). These words cut to the heart of the spiritual life. They make it clear what it means to choose life, not death, to choose blessings not curses. But what is asked of us here goes against the grain of our human nature. We will only be able to act according to Paul’s words by knowing with our whole beings that what we are asked to do for others is what God has done for us.
– Henri Nouwen
www.henrinouwen.org
The prosecutor of your soul can’t ever nail you: Time can’t wreck your life. You can’t wreck your life. Nothing in all of this world can separate you from the love of Christ and His love is your life. Your life is unwreckable because Christ’s love is unstoppable.
– Ann Voskamp
www.aholyexperience.com
Grace is surely amazing
Everyone’s life is unwreckable
because Christ’s love is unstoppable
I love these lovely words.
I adore these grand thoughts.
What a fabulous trade off.
I had no real idea,
that to accept this invitation,
is to give up,
my selfish desires,
my ego,
my broken heart,
my unbearable pain.
For this life changing
love,
grace,
freedom,
healing.
It is stepping into
an ever deepening mystery,
the adventure of a lifetime,
wisdom and beauty unknown,
this wild pool of faith.
I have gotten so much more than I could ever have imagined!
I got it all!
life and life abundantly
grace that is greater
than I’ll ever be able to fully comprehend.
AL 8/8/13
The historic story of Christ, the outside story of Christ, suddenly emerges as the inside story of yourself – and it is this inner story, this inner parallel, that really makes the Bible inspired, so that your condition becomes the living word of God.
– George MacLeod
One of my very favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou, Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better. This is the gospel in us. We are called to allow God to work in us, to be open and learn…continually. Truth is a moving and living word within us to allow us to become more as we grow in relationship with love. We will never be ‘perfect’ in this life. We will never get to retire from this life’s calling. This is the amazing part of amazing grace. It never leaves us a lone to figure it out on our own. Love continues…always…and causes us to do something remarkable…to move from obedience to surrender and every day to fall deeper and deeper in love.
Thirsty?
Release yourself from the burden of resentment.
See how much energy it takes?
Lay it down.
Break free from the limits of being compensated.
No one could pay what it was worth anyway.
Let yourself be a gift.
Come out of the tomb of the past.
Why keep repeating Act I?
Let that scene be over now.
You can live in this imperfect life
or sleep through it with nightmares
of how it was supposed to have been.
You are dancing, not fighting.
People crash into you.
Keep dancing.
Don’t chain yourself to what you deserve,
which is so small and heavy.
Receive what is given, which is infinite.
What’s wrong with you? Nothing.
You haven’t been damaged after all. Still there.
Well then don’t mess yourself up with bitterness.
Life is full of troubles. Always was.
Don’t add to it by calculating whether yours
are somebody’s fault.
The only one who can dishonor your soul is you.
Don’t do that for anybody. Carry on
as if you have been honored. Because you are.
What if there is only one forgiveness, yours and theirs,
and it’s not divided? What if they are as forgiven as you—
and you are infinitely so? Will you accept it?
You have both been rescued and are fighting for a place
in a lifeboat that is not yours,
a boat much more spacious than yours.
What if your compassion were so great
that you loved them despite their misdeeds?
Or is that lack what you’re really angry about?
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
www.unfoldinglight.net
As he approached the gate of the town, a man who had died was being carried out. He was his mother’s only son, and she was a widow; and with her was a large crowd from the town. When the Lord saw her, he had compassion for her and said to her, “Do not weep.” Then he came forward and touched the bier, and the bearers stood still. And he said, “Young man, I say to you, rise!” The dead man sat up and began to speak, and Jesus gave him to his mother.
—Luke 7.12-15
She had lost a child— that most hollowing grief. He was her only son, her only way to pass on what she meant to the world. She was a widow, sorrow already having come and made a home with her. She was now without family, without a way to survive in the world. Though a stranger to her, Jesus, the Compassionate One, felt her anguish with her.
There is something fundamental to who we are, a part of us we believe we can’t live without, why it is that we are alive, what it is that we have been given to give to the world, how we shall go on— it is the child within us, the offspring of our heart, the self we hope to be. And sometimes it seems that it’s taken from us. To some degree maybe we all are grieving the loss of the Child, the hope of our souls, the Love of our Life.
But the Child, our hope, our Beloved whom we have lost, God restores to us. This story of Jesus copies the story of Elijah raising the widow’s son (in 1 Kings 17), ending with the same words: “He gave him to his mother.” When our inner Beloved, our heart’s Child, has been taken from us, the Compassionate One touches our grief, stretches out upon our sorrow, and restores to us the Love we had lost. God’s work is to renew, to restore, to return life to us.
And to return us to life. For we are really the ones who are revived. We ourselves are God’s Beloved Child, who have in ways died, lost our life. There is, as the Elijah story says, “no breath left” in us. And God restores us to life. It often takes a long time. But we are brought back to life. It is a gift, a miracle. And the Healer will give us to our Mother.
__________________
Steve Garnaas-Holmes
Unfolding Light
http://www.unfoldinglight.net
As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation – either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.
– Martin Luther King Jr.
life: acoustic & amplified 