life: acoustic & amplified

the thin thread in the dark

The past 5 months have been some of the toughest I have ever experienced – and I have been through some tough times over these past 23 years – but the past 5 months have been brutal. They have worn me down and out. My faith has been strong and I have had miracles and amazing people come into my life to help me in every way possible, but there is something about day after day of this type of faith – walking for months in extremely difficult living, months of having no money, pain and grief from loss. Living with no relief for months on end, not knowing where you will eat or sleep next – which wears you out and drains your resources to the very last drop.

And then one day, after 127 days of this, I woke up and it was the day I had known could happen. The day I had feared would come. The day I had dreaded and tried to keep from coming. It was upon me. I woke up with no hope and all was dark. I’ve had a few such days, weeks, even  months over these past years and they are some of the hardest, bleakest of times I have ever experienced. I shudder when I think about them. I wasn’t able to write, or share during those times. I would completely shut myself off and not even talk to people for the most part. When I have gone into the dark, it has been me, alone, locked into the darkness struggling to find God, to find my way forward, my way out, wrestling with the questions which have no answer. I am always concerned I won’t make it, I won’t recover, I won’t come out, I won’t have the strength to make this next choice I need to make – I will finally just give up and stay there. Everything I have hoped for, and struggled so hard for, will never be accomplished and I will die of my brokenness. This time was different, this time I had no defense and there was no more fight, no more struggle.

Somehow in the darkest of my days, I am always given some thin thread of hope. Sometimes just a whisper. A glimpse of God working. When I can’t. God does. Every time. I have found that I am never alone. God is always in the dark with me, and that is why my faith has taken over my life. I have found the love of God to be so transformative I have nothing else I can do but to remove my will so that God can, hopefully, be seen more and more –

Union with God means every bit of our human nature transfigured in Christ, woven up into his creative life and activity, into his redeeming purpose, heart soul, mind and strength. Each time it happens it means that one of God’s creatures has achieved its destiny.                                                – Evelyn Underhill

As I move through this darness I am more and more aware of the magnitude of God. I am finding glimpses of devastating grace and am learning how little I know about the mystery and magnitude of God.

The next few days I will be sharing some insights from my place of darkness. This darkness has been a scary thing to encounter and I pray that it is the right thing to share it. This is new territory for me and I am not sure where it will lead me. My constant prayer is, ‘Help me – Not my will, but Thine be done.”

I share this to bring hope to myself, and to others who also find themselves in the darkness, it’s always easier when we walk together. Once again I have found, I do not know the answers to this mystery and we are never alone.