tasting ashes
I sit with the ghost of ashes
on my forehead
still raw and sore
feeling the sting and exhaustion
that comes from vulnerability
in the face of possible rejection.
I feel rejected, judged.
I feel unworthy,
even as I know I don’t need to be
I felt under dressed,
one of my hardest, most shame-filled, pettiest horrors in life.
Vanity is always my snake in the grass.
I feel judged as less than,
even though I do not know that for sure.
Yet, I feel it is true.
I feel broken,
crushed,
I sit in the ash heap of my life,
reflected in the broken story I have to tell.
my truth –
it’s so ugly
so jagged
how can it ever be redeemed?
how can I possibly be arrogant enough to think that God will use me,
even bless me?
Because He already has.
Because He sees me through Christ
Because the truth is, I am loved and he is making beauty right in these ashes
even this moment.
If I have ever believed that for sure –
then this is the time to truly believe it.
No matter the judgement of anyone.
No matter the temptation which these feelings bring.
yes, this is the temptation of satan –
to tempt me to feel unworthy and less than,
like I don’t belong,
like I can’t make new choices,
so that I turn away and give up.
So I do not risk this feeling
by just not telling my truth,
but just dress well and always ‘fit in’.
So that I just begin taking my life in my own hands and making something happen for myself,
as I am tempted to do each moment.
I want to heap the ashes on my head,
sit in them
and rip my already hole-y sweat pants even more.
I want to wail – instead of this civilized way of crying with tissues catching my overactive sinus production.
I want to run far away and lie on a beach.
I want someone to tell me I’m pretty,
I’m the victim,
Life’s unfair.
Yes, I am tasting ashes for lent.
Today, I am very aware of my inefficiencies.
I bow with humility.
I bow in gratitude.
I have nothing in myself.
Yet! (there is hope!!!)
The only thing that I truly need to know is that God’s mercy is new for me today!
My next choice is the only one that matters!
In Christ I stand!!!
Thank God
I already know!
Easter is coming!!
AL 3/6/14
life: acoustic & amplified 