I keep getting back up…
There are days when I just want to quit. I don’t want to keep fighting these battles. I just want to go my own way. I want to give up and be comfortable. I don’t want to be aware, or have to choose. I don’t want to be strong. I want to jump into the music business and go to the top. I want to sell myself to get there. I want to sing to thousands of people and get praise and acclaim from all over the world. I know I could work hard enough. I want to be spoiled and live in a nice house. I want to buy shoes and be shallow. I want to be beautiful and dress fabulous in designer clothes and prove to everyone, especially certain people on a short list I have, what I…yes, I said it, what I can do. If I can’t do that, then I want to forget it all and be able to be satisfied with some simple job and blend into anonymity, which then makes me want to just lay in bed for days, in my pajamas, and only get up to eat ice cream out of the container. I want…I want….I want….is the recurring theme.
Every day I am aware of how difficult, even impossible, it is to live this spiritual life. Every day I face a new choice of who I want to be, how I live. It goes against everything I seem to want. Every moment is a new choice to make. So many choices and so many times I fail. Over and over I fail. Yet God remains faithful. I have lived my faith – I have found the faithfulness of God to be so much more mind-blowing than I could ever comprehend. I have lived the miracles. No one can take that away from me! And so I continue with the struggle to love, the struggle to open my heart, the struggle to be patient and obedient and wait on God’s timing for my music. One more day the battle wages on and I chose to take one more faltering step with God. Yes, the warrior is a child every morning, every night and all through the day. Thankfully I know the truth that everything is grace! Gods mercy remains and is new every morning – just for me. Oh, and for everyone else who chooses to receive it.
Henri Nouwen says this about Spiritual Choices:
Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. These choices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity.
life: acoustic & amplified 